Pride

“Interpersonal communications”, I hated that class in high school. You see my dear reader; I have an issue with pride. As you read this I want you to realize that more than anything I am talking about myself and how I deal with and perceive my pride issues. I might use examples of things I have seen in other people but for the most part all of the negative things I will be talking about have to do with me and how I have failed in “interpersonal communications”. You might see a small part of yourself in what I have dealt with, but try not to beat yourself up too much like I am about to do. No one should go into this much insight into themselves too often for fear of slipping into a depression or insomnia or….developing a split personality.

Pride is at the root of my failures in interpersonal communications. First the internal battle: in my mind I want to do the right thing and to be nice and helpful to everyone. I want to, but most of the time it doesn’t happen. Why? There is what I want in theory; i.e. world peace, to be a “good guy”, to help not hurt people, and to be a person people can count on. Then there is what I really want, recognition, people to envy me, pleasure, fame, riches, and to feel important. Now all of those things I just mentioned will not actually make me happy. I know that. I know it with my brain, but my heart never got the memo. What’s happening here? It is a battle between my selfish desires, and the true riches of this world, love. I want the love side to win. I really do. But what is it that is stopping me from reaching that goal? Why can’t I love and care for people that the selfish side of me ignores? What is the barrier in my head that makes it so hard? I will give you a hint, it rhymes with ride.

Somewhere in the depths of my conciseness is a little feeling that crops up every time I tell myself that I am going to be happy to help someone. I have finally nailed it down as pride. You see, I feel like only certain people get the privilege to be my friend. This is not something I try to set as a standard. It just comes from the carnal selfish side of me.  In my own little way I think that I am SO unique and special that only “cool”, smart people get to know who this person really is. If you are my friend I will go out of my way to be there for you, to listen to you, and to be the best friend I can be. That takes a lot of time and energy. There is no physical way I can be that kind of friend to everyone, sure, but I should not ignore everyone else! Again, I know this. But, brain, heart, memo. So I tell myself to be kind to everyone and to pretend like they are my friend. Sounds like a good idea until Mr. Pride decides to show up. He tells me things like, “you are too good to waste your time on this person, they don’t like you or care about you” or “you don’t really feel like you have the energy to care right now, just ignore them and they won’t ask anything from you” or “you have nothing in common with this person, you have nothing to gain” or “if they don’t like you, you won’t be able to handle the rejection” or “if I am nice to this person they might try to take advantage of me and ask for more from me” or “they didn’t make the first move so why should I always be the one to initiate the friendship”. Wow! Those are some serious thoughts going on in my head. Who the heck do I think I am?? Like I am some sort of gift to mankind that only the few lucky ones are privileged to know and be friends with. Or am I that insecure that I feel like I must reject them before the reject me? First off, I am garbage. I don’t deserve anyone as a friend just for the simple reason that I have thoughts like those. Second, I am not any smarter or cooler than anyone else and to think so, on any level, is delusional. I should feel privileged to have any friends at all with an attitude like that. Third, I am missing out on the true riches that Love and kindness have to offer. Forth, my insecurities are my fault and my problem. I should not make people pay for my lack of respect for myself. Fifth, the fact that I want people to know that I am not dumb enough to let them take advantage of me is ridiculous. Whether or not someone takes advantage of me and my kindness will not change the fact that I should still be kind to them. Giving someone a helping hand is the hardest when the person you are helping thinks you are an idiot for doing it. My pride doesn’t want anyone to get away with that. I am writing this down yelling at myself in my own head as I do it; DO IT ANYWAY! Help when the person isn’t grateful, that’s true love. Pride, I banish you.

The jokes on me when I act like a mute deaf person around people. No one thinks “oh, this guy is only nice to his friends and it is hard to become his friend, so I want to be one of those people”. Instead they think, “wow, this guy is a DB. Who does he think he is?” Is that the reason I should change my behavior? Nope. Regardless of how people perceive me, I should treat other people with respect and interest. I should love them. Not because I want love back, not because I will get ahead in life, and not because I want more friends. As a matter of fact I don’t want friends. And again if falls back on pride. I know on the inside I am a work in progress. I have faults (many that I am sharing with you now) and shortcomings. My pride tells me to hide these things from people. If more people find out about my faults then I will be exposed. So in order to keep my pride, I push people away. What I am learning (or at least trying to train my stupid heart) is that people respect an honest and open heart. If I can cast aside my pride, I can become teachable and humble. I can’t learn anything if I think I already know it. Just because my head knows something does not mean my heart does.

In each of us we have that part of the brain that knows what we SHOULD do. So often we fail to do that because our feelings get in the way. So many people try to get rid of their feelings Vulcan style only to learn that you can never fully purge your emotions. Others base most decisions that they make on what they feel like doing. Our feelings are often irrational and unpredictable. So this leads to problems as well. The key is to only let the virtuous feelings guide you as you constantly keep them in check by holding them up to the light of perfection that is God and Love. God wants us to have and use our feelings, but for good, not for our own evil desires. Not just because He wants to control us for kicks, but because the system He has set up will greatly reward us here (earth) and beyond (heaven). Most people know that they should be nice and helpful. The problem is that our pride inhibits us.  It is like trying to run a race with your favorite Snuggie on. You might feel comfortable and think you look cool, but really you will lose the race and people will think you look like an idiot. You would lose out on the reward and respect of winning the race. Throw off the snuggie and run hard and you will get your reward. The race itself is not easy, but it is possible when you discard the ridiculous garb.  We I need to cast aside my pride and just accept that people will think differently of me. For better or worse, I am going to do my best (with some help from the big Guy) to pay attention and care for everyone. It will take sacrifice and energy, but I am getting both of those things from the ultimate provider. He promises that I will always have more to sacrifice and will give me ways to use His energy through me. I must keep in my mind the persistent thought of “love” for my attitude to change. It is a learned habit that must be practiced and consistent for it to come to fruition in my everyday living. Telling others of your desire to open up to people is a necessary step. One I am taking right now. If you see me ignore a chance to cheerfully help someone when I am asked, let me know. Call me out. It will humble me, but it is necessary. I will know you are a true friend if you do so.

If you made it this far thanks for reading. I do this more for myself than anyone else. It helps to write thoughts out. Journals are for the weak. Blog it up people, blog it up. Fin.

P.S. Don't type the word "pride" into Google's image search engine. You will get a lot of gay stuff attacking your eyes. Literally...the gay part not the attack on your pupils.